


Meanings

by milkystars



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Probably ooc, at least I think so, hanahaki, yushino - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 23:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11218908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkystars/pseuds/milkystars
Summary: Was love truly an illness? (Yushino Hanahaki)**Fixed errors on 10/28/18**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a very experimental story for me, so I tried putting more details into it instead of making it a short 200 word fanfics like the one I have already put on my account. I also didn't know how the story would go when I started, I just went with the flow and it ended up taking longer than expected. I've never published a fic this long before, so I hope you enjoy it!

It began on a seemingly ordinary day. Shinobu was walking home from school, thinking about his day. Images of his best friend, Yuta, passed through his mind. That day, Yuta had been cuter than usual. Should he even be calling his friend “cute?” He shook the thought creeping up into his mind out of his head and continued to think about what Yuta had done that day. Yuta had called Shinobu “my Shinobu-kun” when Hinata had tried to spend time with the shy boy, alone. Yuta, being jealous, had pulled Shinobu closer and hugged him tightly. Later, as they ate lunch, Yuta asked his friend to feed him. Usually, if he was asked to do something embarrassing like that, Shinobu would have refused, but Yuta had used his puppy eyes and cute, little pout. Shinobu just couldn’t say no. 

As he was recalling his day with Yuta, he felt scratching sensation from his throat.  _ Maybe I’m catching a cold. _ He vowed to take some medicine at home and went back to his recollecting. Then, as Yuta and Shinobu were walking to their respective unit practices, Yuta had laced his hand with Shinobu’s, squeezing tightly as right before they parted. Was that something that best friends usually did? 

Shinobu could practically hear his friend calling to him even now. “ _ Shinobu-kun…” _ He saw that warm smile that Yuta always used when they were together. Suddenly, the small boy fell to the floor, coughing. As he was essentially coughing his lungs out, he felt something soft in the palm of the hand covering his mouth. He opened his hand to find a **white carnation** petal among the spit from his mouth. He was confused and afraid.

_ Did this flower really come out of my mouth? Why? What does this mean? _ He figured that there was no point in being on his knees in the middle of the sidewalk, questioning his life. He got up, wiped his hands on a spare tissue from his bag, dusted off his pants, and shoved the petal wrapped in the tissue into his pocket.

When he got home, he immediately shut himself in his room and researched. All the websites said that the cause was unrequited love and that it could very well kill him. Of course, it wouldn’t necessarily kill him so he would just have to wait and see. He didn’t even have to think about who he loved. He had already knew at the back of his mind and had been suppressing it. He didn’t want to let go of this love. At least not yet. Later, as his mind trailed while studying, he cough up his second  **white carnation** petal. 

He dreamt that night. He dreamt of himself and Yuta together. They were on a date, walking hand in hand and talking happily. They stopped at a crepe stand. Though, Yuta usually preferred spicy, these crepes weren’t overflowing with sweetness so even he could enjoy them. Shinobu had gotten cream on his cheek and Yuta kissed his cheek to get it off. Yuta chuckled at his boyfriend’s flustered expression. Yuta put his hands on Shinobu’s face and leaned in to kiss him. 

Shinobu woke up crying. He coughed up a variety of petals:  **gardenia, jonquil,** and **striped carnation.** He put them into the trash, hoping that his mother would not notice. Despite the fact that it was the middle of the night, Shinobu went back to research. _ Surely there must have been meaning behind these flowers?  _

The  **white carnation** meant innocence and purity, **striped carnation** meant “I wish I could be with you,”  **gardenia** meant secret love, and  **jonquil** being desire for affection returned.  

The next day, he stopped by a nearby bookstore and bought a book about the flower language. He figured that he would be needing it.

 

Not long after Shinobu began coughing up flowers, he realized how hard it was hiding his illness from people. ( _ Is love truly an illness? _ Shinobu wondered. He shook his head to remove the thought from his mind. It couldn’t be an illness. That’s what he wanted to believe.) He was constantly at school and surrounded by people. Everything around him managed to remind him about Yuta. 

Eventually,  **pink camellias** (longing) came pouring out of his mouth during a practice with his unit and he was forced to explain his situation. Luckily, because his fellow Ryuseitai members were so kind, they vowed to pull him out of any sticky situation involving alone time with Yuta. 

Of course, he didn’t want to avoid Yuta all together, since it would cause suspicion and it was virtually impossible anyway since they were in the same class. As Shinobu left school alone after this particular practice, he coughed up **anemone** (forsaken) and  **aster** (love) petals.

…

Yuta wanted to be with Shinobu, alone. He did not think he could hold back much longer. Everyday, he felt like he was going to burst and let his feelings show, overflowing. But he was afraid. Even if he confessed what would Shinobu do in response? Knowing how nice he is, he might just pretend that he likes Yuta back just to make him happy. Yuta ruffled his hair and groaned. He kicked a pebble in his way. He was walking home alone, since his twin had some business to attend to. Honestly, Yuta was so preoccupied with his own problems that he had not even bothered to ask his brother what this “business” was. It was probably just another part time job anyway

He frowned as he thought about the past couple of weeks. He had not been able to spend a moment with Shinobu, just the two of them. There was always someone there with them. The rest of Ryuseitai was always around the corner to take Shinobu away or preoccupy him. 

_ How did they manage to be everywhere? _

It’s not like Yuta didn’t constantly think about his friend beforehand, but now more than ever the small boy wouldn’t leave his mind. Did Shinbou set this up because he didn’t want to be friends with Yuta anymore? Just the thought of such a thing make his heart ache and his throat dry. 

When he arrived home, he rushed to the bathroom. He looked quickly through the medicine cabinet, he needed medicine. He keep coughing and coughing so much that a  **daffodil** (unrequited love) petal erupted from his mouth into the sink amongst the spit. He widen his eyes, without a doubt he knew the sickness that he had. He had read about it in stories, but it was always assumed to be a fictional disease created for literary purposes, yet here Yuta was.

That night, he cried and cried. For his love that would never be accepted. For the disease killing him slowly from the inside. For the fact that if he had surgery he would never love Shinobu the same way ever again.

 

...

It had been months since Shinobu had started coughing up flowers. The strained relationship he currently had with Yuta bothered him to no end. Truth be told he want more than anytime to be at the other boy’s side, but nothing good would come from coughing up flowers in his presence. Especially, since it was be getting progressively worse. Shinobu practically coughed up a bouquet a day. Even just looking at Yuta could send him into a fit, causing him to rush to the bathroom a suspicious amount of times during class. He felt as though Yuta was avoiding him now as well. When Shinobu walk towards him, he would start a conversation with whoever was nearest. Maybe, Yuta had just given up on being his friend, it’s not like he had ever confronted Shinobu on why he was being so distant. 

 

One day after school, he woke up suddenly, hearing footsteps exiting the room and finding himself alone in the classroom. He stretched and rubbed his eyes. “Oh yeah, I’m on day duty.” He looked at the class journal on his desk. “Must of fallen asleep, de gozaru." He began to remember that when he had begun to fall asleep, he had been carelessly scribbling in the journal. He held it closer to his face only to flush as he saw what he had written. He frantically picked up his pencil and erased. “I love Yuta-kun” he had written. Nobody else needed to know of his affections. The words echoed in his mind. He loved Yuta so much as to write that subconsciously. 

As he realized this, he felt his throat shut off and he couldn’t breathe. He was being dragged to the depths of the ocean, without a source of air. He knew this feeling all too well. Though, this time as he glanced at the flower, they were different. They were full flowers: stems, petals, and thorns. The flowers were dyed red with his blood. 

His whole body ached. He wasn’t surprised, he couldn’t be surprised. He had already known that the sickness had been killing him from the inside. It would be any day now that he would perish from this world. Was he okay with that? Of course he wasn’t, he would be leaving everyone he loved behind, but he couldn’t let his one of the most important feelings he had ever experienced be removed from him. Not yet. He shoved the blood stained flowers into his bag and locked the classroom as he left, maybe for the last time. 

 

...

Yuta’s throat hurt and it wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t even get through a class period without coughing. He was tired of seeing flowers, tired of seeing his own blood. Of course, Hinata had found out. Yuta had meticulously careful about not showing anything to Hinata, but they were always around each other, so when Hinata had questioned he answered without hesitation. Now Hinata was always pitying and sympathizing with him. 

_ How can you sympathize with me when I’m pretty sure that I am the only person around with this disease ? I don’t need your pity and I don’t want it. _

He had been wanting to say this to his brother, but he held his tongue. He know that Hinata was just doing it because he cared. He wondered how longer it would be until the rest of his family found out? What about the whole school?  What would they say?

 

He had spend the whole day thinking about these questions. When he snapped out of his train of thought, he realized that school had ended. He looked around the classroom to see the only other person there was a certain purple haired boy with his head on his desk. He heard Shinobu’s soft, muffled snoring. 

_ So he’s asleep… _

Yuta got up from his seat to walk over to Shinobu. Without giving it much thought, he began patting Shinobu’s head. Tears rolled down his cheeks. “I love you, Shinobu-kun.” Yuta said in a hoarse voice. As the words came from his mouth, he instantly regretted it. The first time he had said his feelings out loud and sadly it was when Shinobu couldn’t hear it. Shinobu stirred at the sound of Yuta’s voice. This caused the orange haired boy to grab his bag and run out of the room.

As he ran,  **anemone** (forsaken) fell from his mouth. He ran to the bathroom, while wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth. He opened the door to the closest and threw up more flowers in the toilet. He flushed, going out of the stall to splash water in his face. He look at his reflection in the mirror, disgusted. He could see the bags under his eyes from staying up half the night afraid that he would choke on flowers stems in his sleep.

 

_ Idols shouldn’t look like this. _

 

He popped a cough drop in his mouth to soothe the pain and get the taste of blood out of his mouth. He had had so many in the past months that he had grown accustomed to the flavor. He hated it, but he hated the strong taste of iron even mores He walked out of the bathroom, wiping off his tears that he hadn’t known he had spilled. 

As soon that he got home, he locked the door to his room. He fell to the floor, back pressed against the door. Yuta put his head in his arms, sighing deeply. He couldn’t focus on anything right now, not with this  _ curse _ making him suffer at every turn. His grades were slipping and even his idol activities were essentially on hiatus since the time he coughed during a live. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes, again. Instead of moping for the rest of the evening, Yuta decided to go to sleep early. 

When he awoke he saw the flowers at his side, spilling from the corner of his mouth. It didn't even phase him anymore.

He checked his phone and froze. He had gotten a message from Shinobu asking if they could meet up to talk the next day, Sunday. As his hands shook he replied with “yes.” He felt his heartbeat quicken and bile rising in his throat. He was more nervous than he had ever been before as he knew that tomorrow he would have to confess. Otherwise, he would confess that his deathbed, which honestly wasn’t that far off anymore. 

 

...

Shinobu threw up flowers as he sent this message. The day that he would confess was quickly approaching. He still had hope that maybe if he let his feelings be known that they would be reciprocated. He wiped his sweaty palms on the surface of his pants. He felt relieved that soon it would finally be over, but at the same time he was worried about the aftermath. What if Yuta didn’t like him back like he assumed? Would he actually consider the surgery then? Shinobu wasn’t sure. He pictured the world, like a glass antique, crashing around him.

Maybe he was just being an overdramatic teenager, but then again he was also on the brink of dying. Every time he closed his eyes, he had a tugging feeling that he might not wake up the next day. Sometimes, he would end up staying up until the break of dawn because of this.

Ironically, today, he yawned as he settled into his bed at the end of the day. He hadn't had a good night of sleep for months. He could barely remember to add "de gozaru" into his speech. He was a shell of who he formerly was, not that he could even completely remember how he was before. All the things he could remember felt distant, like they hadn’t actually happened. Like they were just a dream that had blurred together in his mind. He rolled to his side, closing his eyes because a new feeling was nagging at him: that he wouldn't be able to die without seeing Yuta one last time. 

The next day, he woke up oddly refreshed, despite the flowers scattered at his side. He stretched as he hid the flowers in their usual place: deep inside the trash can. He had a good dream. A dream where he laughed and smiled along with his friends. That should have been normal for him, he knew it used to be, but now it was nothing but a dream.

Despite realizing that his happy days were behind him, Shinobu decided to take his life into his own hands and take those days back. He got ready and left his house with a smile on his face, a real one. He had been faking smiles for the months so it felt a bit strange, but it was a good kind of strange. 

Finally, he arrived outside the movie theater. It was crowded as expected of a typical sunny Sunday afternoon. After a bit of searching he found Yuta leaning on a pole playing a game on his phone. Just as Shinobu laid his eyes on him, he felt the flowers coming up, he coughed a bit, trying to force them back down. Yuta spotted him and waved. The purple haired boy walked over to him.

"Hi, did I keep you waiting for long de gozaru?" 

"Not at all. I've only been here for a few minutes." Yuta suddenly held his hands over his mouth with a pained expression on his face. 

"Are you okay, Yuta-kun?" He saw his friend wince at this question and look away for a second.

"I guess I might have caught a cold." Yuta shrugs the question off as casually as possible. 

That conversation ended there and they went in to the theater to watch a movie. Shinobu and Yuta gradually became used to each other's presence again. There was no use in hiding from each other anymore, they had accepted this.  Though, the occasionally cough came out of their mouths, they chose to play it off by saying things like that “flu season must be coming up”, that “maybe staying up late is a habit to break”, or sometimes they would ignore the coughs all together. There were only so many excuses they could make up after all.

As the movie went on, they reacted together; laughing and smiling for the first time in a long time. Despite the panic that rose through them through every cough, overall they were relaxed. It was as if the past months of not talking and avoiding each other had disappeared. Like the wall that the flowers had put between them had been torn down. 

As they left the theater, their hands brushed while they talked about the movie they had seen. “How about we go take a walk in the park nearby?” Yuta flushed by the slight touch of Shinobu’s hand. 

“Sure! I want to continue talking with you de gozaru!” 

_ I like you after all...I missed you.  _ Yuta’s touch sent a shiver down his spine.

Yuta’s heart skipped at his friend’s honesty. He hadn’t realized how much he missed the little things that Shinobu did. He missed the way he spoke and the way he shed his shyness when he was truly enjoying himself. They walked to the park almost touching, but not quite. 

Suddenly, as they entered the park, as the thorns prickled the back of their throats, the fog of bless cleared up and they remembered what they come to do. It was now or never and they knew that all too well. 

They called out to each other in unison. They froze in surprise, wondering what the other had to say. 

“Umm, Shinobu-kun, you can go first.” 

Shinobu stiffened. He was afraid of that. Mustering up all his courage, he said, “Let’s sit down somewhere first.” 

Yuta nodded and they sat down on the nearest bench. Yuta looked at Shinobu, waiting for him to speak. Shinobu sighed overwhelmed by his thoughts. It was finally time.

_ What should I say?  _

_ How I feel, of course. _

_ How should I say it? _

His throat burned and prickled. “Umm...I-i” He stuttered. He doubled over as he began coughing. 

_ No! Please! Not now!  _

Yuta looked at him worryingly. “Are you okay?” 

He nodded as he fell to the floor on his knees, clearly not okay, as much as he wanted to be. The impact sent a jolt through him. He put his hands on his mouth as the saliva escaped between his fingers, dripping onto the floor. Yuta went down, holding his friend by his shoulders. The touch caused more convulsions.

“Shinobu-kun! What’s wrong?” Yuta felt his own flowers making their way up. He fought them back down the best he could. What was happening right now was more important after all. Yuta put himself in front of Shinobu, repeating his name over and over. Blood trickled over the purple haired boy’s fingers. Yuta grabbed his bag, getting tissues. 

Shinobu blinked through the pain, tears streaming down. He couldn’t control it anymore. The flowers appeared on the floor between the boy's knees. He shook as he moved his hands from his mouth, seeing flowers falling down.  

“ **Ivy** means affection.” Yuta said softly without hesitation. Shinobu looked up at the other boy, confused. 

Shouldn't Yuta be more surprised by this?  His face made it seem as though he was used to it, but how could he be? 

Unless…

“Who is it?” Yuta smiled sadly.  “Could it be Anzu?” 

_ Oh no. _

Shinobu waved his hand around distressed. “No no no! It’s not what you think!” His voice came out hoarse.

Yuta laughed dryly. “Of course it is. There’s no point in denying it now.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I should have known it would end up like this.”

Shinobu frowned. “What do you mean?” 

Yuta began wiping Shinobu’s hands and face with tissues as though he hadn’t heard the question. He hummed as he placed the flowers on another tissue, placing it on the floor in front of the short boy. He got up, dusted his knees. 

“Good bye, Shinobu-kun.” He began walking away. 

“What do you mean?” Shinobu yelled after him as he pulled himself to his feet, going after the twin. He grabbed the other's shoulders, pulling him around. Shinobu gasped, when he saw tears.

“Sorry, I have to go to the hospital to get surgery” He gripped his shirt. “I can't take it anymore.” He said bitterly. 

Yuta coughed once. 

He coughed twice.

“You should come with me too. Anzu isn’t interested in relationships after all…” He coughed again, flower petals streaming through the wind only to fall to the floor. Shinobu felt a pit at the bottom of his stomach. “Getting rid of these useless feelings sounds great doesn't it?” Shinobu squeezed Yuta’s shoulders.

“My feelings aren't useless!” 

The glint of of hope and seriousness in Shinobu’s eyes made Yuta mad. “What good have these damn feelings ever done for you! You could die because of them!” 

Shinbou was done.“What about you obviously love someone too! Don't these feelings mean anything to you? Aren't they worth anything to you?”

“Of course they are! They mean everything to me! But they aren't worth dying for!” 

The absurdity of it all was getting to the two lovesick boys. They held a hand to their mouths, covering the sudden giggles that overtook them. They clutched their stomachs, doubling over in laughter. 

“This whole situation is funny, isn't it?” Yuta wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes.

“It  feels like something out of a ridiculous teen novel.” Shinobu said, still catching his breath. Without much of a pause, he changes the subject. “So who is the person you fell for?” The sudden serious turn made Yuta stiffen. 

“I don’t think that really matters anymore.”

“Of course it does. That love is what got you into this mess in the first place.” 

“What about you? You keep insisting that you don't like Anzu, but who is it then? Who are you so infatuated with?” 

“Well, now I know what you mean.” Shinbou chuckled nervously. 

Yuta rolled his eyes. “Just another way of saying that I don't want to be the first to say, I suppose.” 

Shinobu sighed. “This is just getting us nowhere then.” He sat down on the floor and Yuta joined him. 

“Well, what was your plan to do when we exchanged our secrets?” 

Shinobu shrugged his shoulders. “Just cry together probably.” 

Yuta giggled. “What’s with that? Seriously?” 

“Yeah. Though maybe we should just go get the surgery like you suggested while we can still survive it de gozaru.” 

“Or at least before our parents find all the flowers we hid strategically in trash cans.” Shinobu nodded in agreement.

Even though they were both suffering, it felt good to have someone to talk to about it that would actually understand. Shinobu felt his face flush unwillingly at the fact that he was here with his crush even though it was one of the worst situations possible, the tickling of his throat returning once again. 

Yuta’s throat was killing him but his “date” with Shinobu was finally back on track, somewhat. “This is honestly just too much for me to handle. We’re just teenagers anyway and it's not like our parents would understand if we told them.” 

Shinobu rested his head on Yuta’s shoulder. His mind told him he shouldn't, but his heart had other plans. Yuta shivered, flushing. Shinobu smiled at Yuta from ear to ear. He felt faint, like his consciousness could fade away at any moment. 

“Yuta-kun…” He coughed up **irises** (Your friendship means so much to me) and **arbutuses** (thee only to do I love).

Yuta shook, his own flowers mixing with Shinobu’s;  **Chrysanthemum** s (You’re a wonderful friend) and  **Ambrosia** (Your love is reciprocated). He could feel himself growing paler and paler. The world coming in and out of focus.  

As they lay on the the park’s sidewalk, slowly closing their eyes, they coughed up their last flowers together.  **Cyclamen** meaning “good-bye.”


	2. Alternate Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since I didn't originally plan to end this fic the way that I did, I decided to come up with two alternate endings. They both each at the part where they cough up flowers for the last time.

Alternative 1: 

They coughed up their real last flowers together,  **red chrysanthemum** meaning “I love,” before they fainted. They woke up in hospitals beds side by side.

Yuta rubbed his head. “How did we get here?” He felt strangely empty. Like someone had taken something away from him, something important.

Shinobu rubbed away the sleep in his eyes. “Beats me.” He shifted around his bed uncomfortably. Something felt different but he couldn’t place his finger on it. As he grow more and more uneasy, a nurse came into the room. 

“So you two are finally awake. People found you two in the middle of the park surrounded by flowers. Luckily, most of the remnants of flowers inside of you two were gone, so we were able to remove the rest during surgery. Even just a moment later and both of you would have died. I have never seen such strange cases before and what are the chances of the two of you having the same rare disease! We’ve contacted both your parents that you’ll be staying until you are fully recovered.”

As soon as the nurse left the room, Shinobu and Yuta started crying. They had lost their dearest feelings  and they would never be the same again. There was no rewind button, no save point. It wasn't a dream and there was no way out.

 

Alternative 2: 

They coughed up their real last flowers together,  **red roses** , before they fainted. Yuta opened his eyes to see he was in the nurse’s office at Yumenosaki, surrounded by people at all sides.

“Who the hell?” He rubbed his eyes and then saw it was Ryuseitai and his brother, Hinata. He glanced to the side to see Shinobu already awake and waving at him. Everyone’s eyes looked raw from tears.

Koga, Subaru, and Tori had been out walking their dogs in the park when they had saw Shinobu and Yuta unconscious. Subaru, called Chiaki who then called everyone else and they carried the two boys to school since going to the hospital wasn’t an option. It was a lot for Shinobu and Yuta to take in all at once.

“Can we have some time alone?” Shinobu asked much to Yuta’s surprise. Surely, Shinobu would want to be with all his friends since he had just been on the brink of death? The rest of Ryuseitai and 2wink left the room without any questioning, leaving the two all alone.

Shinobu got up from his bed, wobbling, and came to Yuta’s bedside. He hugged him, tears erupting. Yuta hugged him back, tears welling in his own eyes. “I love you.” Shinobu whispered barely loud enough for Yuta to hear.

Yuta shut his eyes, barely unable to believe this was happening to him. “I love you too.” Shinobu crawled into Yuta’s bed and they fell back to sleep in each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this on and off for over two months, so it's nice to finally be able to share it. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I wanted to give this a happy ending but I decided to change it at the last minute. If you have any suggestions for what I should write next, feel free to send me a message!


End file.
